@LurkAtHomeMom

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

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@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

@aotakeo

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@BawseLady

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

@mommajessiec

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@ThrillHicks

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

@NotYourSoulmate

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

@FunnyMojoJojo

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…