FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”