*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
#Caturday
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.