Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own