People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Yes, but it was never about money
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away