I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”