I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??