I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.