I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
monday
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see