I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Meow?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
(by @ZachWeiner )
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is