@Crap_Advisor

I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..

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@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.

@theSolemnBard

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

@Cpin42

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

@8bitf0x

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

@donni

YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”