I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..

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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.


I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.


ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup


ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup


ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world


ME: My compliments to the chef


He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.


*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP


Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon


YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”