I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great