I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
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I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.