I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.