No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
pls suprot