I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’

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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.


[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?


Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.


Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.


KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed


Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water


Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.


I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”


*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race