Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Wait for it
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.