Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
catch me on valentine’s day like