@tesselatrix

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

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@NatasshaStash

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

@ArfMeasures

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

@tsm560

Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool

@GuyConfused

I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

@elliepeek

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

@LackOfShame

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

@JermHimselfish

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

@skittle624

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.