I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

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My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.


“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”


Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.


Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.


[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*


“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.


I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.


“911, please help im dying”
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad