Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion