I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Ah yes. The three genders
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Why I divorced her.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed