@simoncholland

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

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@Book_Krazy

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

@ddsmidt

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

@justokdane

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

@MrAlexisPereira

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

@ieatanddrink

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

@FilthyRichmond

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

@KalvinMacleod

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

@panmidwest

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion