@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

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@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ 3 AM ]

Friend: I got a flat and I’m stranded

Me: Do you have snacks in your car?

Friend: No

Me: *Hangs up

@primawesome

Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@Jinxy00

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

@the_mom_dot_com

My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup