“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then