my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[ 3 AM ]
Friend: I got a flat and I’m stranded
Me: Do you have snacks in your car?
Me: *Hangs up
Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.
I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup