Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.