@AimeeHelene1

I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.

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@FredTaming

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@CynicalCanuck

Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B

@AnkCoupleTO

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

@Darlainky

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

@moneebthinks

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.