Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker