I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.