i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: