I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?