I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.