Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

You had me at “define legal”.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.