I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
seems fine
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My spirit animal is fried chicken
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.