BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
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Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…