I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

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How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away


ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems


Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?


Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her


Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.


* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead


Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.


[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me


ME: im nervous
M: what are some of his interests
GF: he likes football
GF’S DAD: nice to meet u
M: *tackles him*


COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately