I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?