@wildethingy

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

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@karentozzi

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts

@deedles420

My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@3BlindMike

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@Jandalize

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

@Andee_Stewart

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

@Bob_Lesh

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

@Robert_Beau

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.