@wildethingy

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

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@hereholddeez

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@DanMentos

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

@KatieKatCubs

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

@writeden

Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?

@CheetoBandito77

*turns on shower*

*gets undressed*

*checks TL real quick*

*floods the entire neighborhood*

@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

@TheMichaelRock

My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.