Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I’d be offered candy by strangers.
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Sitting in Home Depot parking lot, car hood open, and asking men if they can jump me.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.