got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out