I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point