@BrandandCo

I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with

You Might Also Like

@oolah

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

@RamblingMachine

The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

@LostFelicia

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

@SardonicTart

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

@BruceForce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt

@novicefather

If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.

@stanfordhoward_

Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.

@ShesARealGenius

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

@MelvinofYork

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.