a badder mouse
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
You had me at “define legal”.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.