If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
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The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
This is just a bottomless Pitt
If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
We accidentally made a baby.
We accidentally made a pizza.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.