I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
it must be school picture day
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.