I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

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Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?


Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…


I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.


When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.


I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.


Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.


“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”


Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.


Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.