I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

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boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”


The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England


[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”


Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not


Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.


Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.


Breaking News ….. international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven’t got anything to wear


[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers