@RackOfSteel

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

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@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@Kryzazy

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

@TheTweetOfGod

When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.

@girlontapas

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

@GrantTanaka

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@DillDoes

“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”

@Twisted_Mettle

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

@delusions_of

Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.