I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
#JohnTravolta
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”