i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg