@MandiAtRandom

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

@3sunzzz

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

@AimeeHelene1

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

@AnniemuMary

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

@climaxximus

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@sonictyrant

Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

@markhoppus

“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.