Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
Store Assistant: can i help you sir?
Me: how much for this disco poncho?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.