I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.