@TheAndrewNadeau

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

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@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

@spectatorindex

AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.

@torrami

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

@blade_funner

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

@UnimpressedWU

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

@LostCatDog

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

@Dutch_50

So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.