I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

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[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep


Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.


[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.


“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”


Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans


Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*


Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.


Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it’s time to get groceries.


Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?