I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
You Might Also Like
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.