I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Hitlers gonna hitl
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
it’s the silliest best thing
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.