I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
#Caturday
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.