I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?