I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder