I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house