Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[about to have sex]
her: can we listen to something other than m-
me: monster mash stays on
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.