I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

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Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet


person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god


ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.


Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.


[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.


just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor


*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.


[about to have sex]

her: can we listen to something other than m-

me: monster mash stays on


Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.


Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.