I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
fixed it
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.