When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.