Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?
~Conversations I have with my couch
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“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.