@esuwalker

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch

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@AimeeHelene1

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

@dafloydsta

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

@dannyboy7813

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@CrackedIllusion

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.