I feel mushy. Not that emotionally mushy love stuff. More like I ate too much cake in my lifetime.

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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along


I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.


Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.


why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split


Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone


The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback


I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.


I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead


Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?


If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.