@IPickedYouOnce

I feel mushy. Not that emotionally mushy love stuff. More like I ate too much cake in my lifetime.

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@iwearaonesie

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

@tweetsvisual

I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.

@wendyraepearce

Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.

@spinubzilla

why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split

@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

@nickwiger

The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback

@kipconlon

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

@NYC_Blonde

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.