I feel seen.
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*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: